“I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I said, “Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!””
“I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long”
“I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it. So I would buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on!”
“You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just gonna ask where they’re going, and hook up with them later.”
toffetomas 
‘I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.’